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| Not a long dream, but kind of odd. I dreamt my mother and I were at some type of show, maybe a stand-up show, and the main act was Heath Ledger. It was during the day because I remember sunlight coming into the building, and instead of sitting in the audience, my mom and I were on a window bench. It seems like my mom may have appeared on the other side of the window, but she was physically right next to me.
Heath Ledger was drunk, and stumbling around. I can't recall what kind of performance he was putting on, but I remember noticing that he was inebriated, and people were watching quietly, kind of waiting for something to happen. Entertained by the prospect of celebrity misfortune.
I had a pillow on my lap, almost like I was at a coffee house, and I wanted to lounge about and feel comfortable. From one moment to the next, he had his face on the pillow, and he was kind of acting flirty, like he wanted to have his face in my lap, or between my boobs? I remember blushing and looking at my mom like, "Oh my God, what do I do?" When he was done, he left the "stage" and everyone was kind of looking at me with an odd sort of envy.
My mom and I got up to leave, and she said, "You'll have to tell everyone about that!" And my answer was, "But it won't make sense because he did it after he died."
After that, I remember running around a small town with the Sag, and some people from work, and we were going to clubs seeking out tickets to see another one of Heath's performances, but all the clubs were empty, and I remember thinking, "This place has a lot of clubs for being such a small town." Then we found a gigantic line full of weird-o fans that were dressed up and decked out in makeup, and we went to the end to await our turn.
*****
In non-dream news, I've been bitten by the lazy bug. I hate those phases where nothing sounds appealing. All of my own personal projects and goals just seem like trite, boring-ass shit. Photography has lost some of it's appeal because I've been holding myself up to ridiculous standards, and it's taken the fun out of getting dolled up and snapping self portraits. Scenery doesn't seem interesting either, seeing as how I've seen almost everything I'd consider interesting in and around the greater El Paso area. For a while, I was finding a great deal of inspiration from candid, honest photos of places and things that felt very personal and intimate, but liking and imitating the style are two different things. I can't escape vivid imagery. I don't dream about bare shoulders and white walls. I dream of shadows and exotic lighting; prisms and spectrums and fantastic worlds. It is my innate desire to share that with people, but HOW to do so is my constant conundrum.
For the past week, I've been putting together a compilation CD for Becca and myself. Music we listened to from 1998-2004. The task of hunting down every single song has made it an exciting project, but now I'm nearly finished and it's back to empty hands.
I think the problem is that I haven't seen/heard/felt anything inspirational lately! A kick-ass movie, a beautiful album, even just the prospect of travel...Everything seems very dull and monotonous. I almost feel like I'm being engulfed by other people's desires and passions, and it's leaving no room for my own. I catch myself feeling useless and unfulfilled...a shifting spirit lacking definition.
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| Last Tuesday night, I had a dream about going to Ruidoso with Becca, (because we were going to leave Wednesday morning,) and I recall being in a public restroom with her, (a one-room kinda deal with a lock on the door.) I was painting my face in the mirror, and I remember putting black eyeliner on my lower lids. Then, for some odd reason, I continued to trace everything on my face, I remember tracing my lips in black, then my jaw, then my hairline. After that, I filled it in with silver, as if I was trying to look like an ice queen? Anyway, when I was done, I was like, "I'm ready to take pictures!" But I woke up.
I didn't think this dream was worth writing down because it was so quick and uneventful really...but then I stumbled upon this link today, (without searching for it, it just popped up when I was reading about something else):
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2009/10/28/best-comic-book-halloween-costume/
That's almost exactly what I did to my face in the dream, (minus the dots.) I told Becca about it on the way to Ruidoso, and we both agreed that the concept was ridiculous and wondered why or where I'd come up with something like that.
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| It is imperative that I experience something other than this...
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| To see things through
the fish-eye of a porthole,
like a city on the brink
of a sodium sea, a green glow
echoing against
a city of windows.
As if the smell of scales and seaweed
were balanced
on the belly of a memory.
The depth
of pine tree portraits,
the subtle carving in the bark base,
a lover's dedication
in alphabet song.
Through the carriage of leaves,
a sun ray current
cuts a path in pollen,
like a fine powder, like golden smoke,
grafted across mossy beds.
Southern skies, a rumble
as the thunder crashes.
Flashes of lightning,
like white hot veins.
The fury of sizzles and sparks
forming welts, forming
signatures in the sand.
The smell of sulfur,
like a bloom of fireworks
on the fourth of July.
To glide above
a blanket of clouds,
mountaintops, and towers of glass.
Calmly, dawn creeps over
a fluff of fog.
The cotton ocean swells,
like a garden of cauliflower.
Tipped in silver,
a window opens;
the weight of feathers
hangs suspended.
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| The Gemini and I went to the Inn of the Mountain Gods for lunch yesterday, (shrimp on the buffet!) and as we were walking around, I noticed a few people in the hotel's giant conference room, checking out the surroundings. I told her she should hold my purse so I could walk in and say, "Is everything to your liking? Is there anything we can do to make it better?" Then we joked that the lady, (who bore a striking resemblance to Sarah Palin,) would answer, "Um, I'm the manager here," to which I would reply with a smile, "I'm in charge."
I was walking down the hallway cracking up. It was just so simple and awesome...I wish I wish I had the guts to pull that off. It would be so awkwardly hilarious.
Don't mess with Texas.
I'm in charge.
And I have to throw this one in for good measure.
I sent it to her with the caption, "Joto."
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